


Judicium

by LanHua



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Angst, Gen, M/M, Morality, Psychological, Religion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-23
Updated: 2013-07-30
Packaged: 2017-12-21 02:22:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/894677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LanHua/pseuds/LanHua
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Donghae had never found much of a reason to think of life after death until he wakes up one day dead himself, in a school bus filled with thirteen strangers and no memory of how he had gotten there. Now he is forced to think of the two vastly different destinations after death and must decide the fate of the passengers on the bus. Will these people go to hell for the sins they’ve committed, or heaven because of “special" circumstances?</p><p>"You think I’m such an evil, soulless person for the things I’ve done, but why? Because you’ve grown up with mommy telling you killing is bad? Morals are just bullshit created by a person who wanted to save his own ass."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Waking Up

Donghae groaned and opened his eyes. He stood as he rubbed the sleepiness out of his eyes, trying to figure out where he was. After a moment, he realized he was standing in a school bus. The colors of the bus were muted and all that could be seen outside the windows was a pure white fog.

As Donghae looked around, he noticed others on the bus. Some were just waking up, as Donghae had, others were whispering quietly to each other. Donghae listened to some of the whispers for a little bit. Some people seemed to already know each other here.

Donghae scanned the bus to see if he recognized anyone. When he didn't, he walked over to another man who looked around Donghae's own age. He was slightly stockier than Donghae, having the build of a linebacker.

Donghae cleared his throat, in an attempt to get the other body’s attention. The boy looked at Donghae with an irritated expression. After a moment, he turned back to the window,

Donghae didn't know what to think of the boy's actions. "Do you know where we are?" he said hesitantly, wondering if the boy would respond differently this time.

"Don't ask me," he said moodily, not moving his eyes from the window. He waved his hand, signaling Donghae to leave him alone.

"Ignore Kangin, he doesn't know his manners," another voice chimed in across the aisle from where Kangin sat. Kangin shot a venomous look past Donghae.

Donghae turned around and faced another boy. His back was to the window and he was draped lazily over his bus seat. He had very feminine features and he wore a smirk that Donghae didn't like. "My name is Heechul. Nice to meet you Pretty Boy," he said with a careless tone.

"Heechul," Donghae echoed, “My name is Donghae.” He decided to ignore the pretty boy comment. "Do you know where we are?"

"We're on a bus," said Heechul, still smirking. Donghae opened his mouth, about to asked Heechul to be a little less of a smart ass, but was cut off by someone at the front of the bus clearing his voice. Donghae and Heechul both turned to see a man standing by the driver’s seat.

"Hello everyone," the man said softly. He has a pleasant voice and a gentle smile. "My name is Leeteuk. Each of you is here on this... bus for a reason. Do you know why?"

"Go to hell," called a voice next to Donghae. He turned to see Kangin was glaring at Leeteuk. The latter merely smiled serenely back at Kangin in response.

"That's not your decision Kangin, or mine," Leeteuk replied calmly.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kangin said back, confused. Leeteuk ignored his question and turned his attention back to the rest of the passengers.

"You see, all of you are a... a special case," Leeteuk said. "You see, you've all done... bad things, however, we can't make our judgment on you until further examination."

Donghae looked at Leeteuk with confusion and slight irritation. Who exactly was this man? What did he mean by it wasn't his decision to go to hell? Donghae didn't like the way he was so calm and composed, or the way his sentences would trail off, only to restart with a vague word.

"You see, you're all here to be judged. All of you have committed grave sins against God."

Heechul snorted loudly at Leeteuk's statement. "I'm here because of God?" he said, in a mildly irritated voice that was laced with disbelief. "I'm pretty sure that this ‘God' of yours doesn't give a damn about me, just like I don't give a damn about him."

A small gasp came from the back, then some shuffling. Donghae looked back to see one man, seated at almost the very back of the bus, turn pale. Donghae could tell he was very good looking, but the face he was making now was very odd.

Leeteuk also noticed the man's facial expression. "Ah! Siwon knows exactly what I'm talking about." He gestured to the pale man in the back that was shifting uncomfortably in his seat. Leeteuk chose to ignore Heechul's statement and went on. "You see, all of you have sinned in the traditional sense, but it has not been decided where you all are going."

"What the hell does that mean?" demanded another man.

Leeteuk looked sternly at the man in front of Donghae and Donghae wished he’d turn around so he could see his face. Tattoos that decorated the back of his neck made sparked Donghae’s curiosity to see his appearance.

"Be patient Sungmin, I'll explain everything to you in a moment," Leeteuk said. He looked around to everyone else before restarting. "As humans created in the image of God, you are given life after death. The life you've lived on Earth normally determines the life you will have after your death. However, each of you has been in a situation where the judgment needed must be done here. Each of you is a very special case." Leeteuk motioned around him. They were in a bus; one that took them to school when they were children. Everyone looked at each other in disbelief.

I'm dead? thought Donghae in disbelief. He couldn't remember dying. He could remember everything except how he had gotten here if he thought about it. He even remembered what he had for breakfast during the day that felt like yesterday, but when he went to think of rest of that day, his mind hit a wall. He really couldn't remember anything about dying.

Donghae thought more about Leeteuk's words. You are all a... a special case... He hadn't done anything terrible though had he? Something that would reserve him a spot in hell? Donghae thought of all the times he had lied to his mother or when he stayed out past his curfew when he was a teen. Did that earn him a place in hell? Donghae shook his head. No, hell was a place for murderers. People who were violent and corrupt were the ones that belonged in hell. Donghae didn't think he was any of those things.

"However, like I said before, I won't be the one to judge you," Leeteuk said after his previous information had been absorbed. "One of you has actually done nothing wrong. That person will be the one to decide where the rest of you will be going."

There was silence for a moment before angry shouts began to start. A horrible feeling rushed over Donghae. He grabbed the bus seat beside him for stability as the world began to tip. Please no, he thought as Leeteuk turned towards him, still smiling serenely.

"Donghae, are you ready to decide the fate of the rest of these people?"


	2. Send Me to Hell

Disable Reader Mode A A A A

The whole bus fell silent and turned to look at Leeteuk. They followed his gaze and stared at Donghae. Donghae had the urge to crawl under one of the bus seats but stayed standing still. This has to be a dream, Donghae thought desperately. He blinked but only saw Leeteuk looking expectedly at him, waiting for an answer.

“I-I can’t,” Donghae said after a moment. Did Leeteuk really expect him to decide the fate of these thirteen people on this bus?

“This is bullshit! How is he even supposed to judge us? He doesn’t know us!” said Heechul, looking upset. He looked at Donghae. “No offense pretty boy,” he added, winking and licking his lips. Donghae looked back, not knowing how to respond. Luckily, Donghae didn't have to as Leeteuk began to talk again.

“Ah, I was wondering if someone was going to ask that question!” Leeteuk said with delight. Donghae concluded he was crazy. He wondered why someone hadn’t murdered him yet. “Each of you will have a turn to explain your lives to Donghae. Then, after all of you have explained, Donghae will make the decision.”

“I’m not telling him anything about my life!” yelled a man sitting in a seat near Leeteuk.

“Yes you will, and because you so happily volunteered Kyuhyun, you’ll be our first stop.” Leeteuk said cheerfully. “Everyone, please come to front of the bus.”

Donghae could hear the sound of the brakes as the bus came to a stop. He hadn’t realized the bus had been moving before, due to the white fog that surrounded it. He started moving more towards the front.

Donghae watched in amazement as the white fog began to clear. Leeteuk opened the doors of the bus and motioned for the rest of its passengers to follow him. They stepped out of the bus into a cheap motel room. The bathroom door opened and two men came out.

“I did everything exactly how you wanted me to,” said a familiar voice. Donghae figured it was Kyuhyun. The man had soft brown hair and pale skin. He would have been good looking if it weren’t for the scars on his face, and his bony frame. He was shaking slightly.

Donghae didn’t want to think about what the two men had been doing in the bathroom. While they were both fully dressed, Kyuhyun’s hair was in a disorderly array and fresh bite marks decorated Kyuhyun’s neck. As they crossed the room, Donghae noticed Kyuhyun was also limping.

“I know you did. I’ll keep up my end of the deal. Just relax Kyu,” said the other man. The other man had black hair that fell into his eyes and tattoos that curled around his arms and neck. Donghae wanted to cover his eyes as he saw the man press himself up against Kyuhyun and kiss him.

“The drugs. We had our deal. I want my drugs,” Kyuhyun said, pushing the other man away. His lips were swollen.

“Yes I know, always business aren’t you?” the man other man replied, pouting. He pulled out a small bag of white powder and threw it at Kyuhyun.

Kyuhyun caught the packet, his eyes looking at it hungrily. He poured a small amount of the powder on the nightstand by the bed and snorted it. After he was sure he didn’t miss a single grain of the drug, he leaned back against the side of the bed and closed his eyes in satisfaction. He didn’t bother to open them when he heard the other man sigh deeply.

“You really need to quit this.” said the other man after a couple minutes of silence. “It’s hurting you. You look even worse than the last time I saw you.” He shifted nervously.

“Shut up Sungmin. Stop caring about me. You’re just my drug dealer. I got what I needed from you, so you can leave,” Kyuhyun said with his eyes still closed. While he looked calm, there was a tone of irritation

Donghae gasped when he realized it was the same Sungmin that was on the bus. There was no mistaking the tattoos that decorated his neck.

Sungmin, glared at Kyuhyun. His eyes flashed with fury and something else. Sadness? “You’re my whore, not the other way around. Act like it. You’re lucky I give you the drugs for so cheap.” Sungmin mumbled.

Kyuhyun smiled, catching Sungmin’s statement. “Oh really? If that’s the way things are, then cut me off Minnie. I dare you,” Kyuhyun said, smirking. “Don’t think this is a one way deal. You need me just as much as I need you. The sex is great and the drugs are better.”

For a moment, Sungmin stood silently, looking at Kyuhyun miserably. He looked as though he were debating saying something back to him but decided not to. He turned on his heel and left the room.

When Kyuhyun heard the door slam from Sungmin’s departure, he opened his eyes. He turned and looked directly at Donghae. Eerily, Donghae knew that they couldn’t be seen by Kyuhyun, but it felt like Kyuhyun was really looking at him. Under the harsh lighting from the lamp that sat on the nightstand, Donghae could see Kyuhyun’s pupils were dilated. Only a thin, milk brown ring remained around his pupils as the drugs began to take their effect. Kyuhyun laughed to himself before getting up and leaving the room.

Donghae stared at the empty motel room, feeling a mixture of sadness and disgust. A soft tap on his shoulder interrupted his thoughts. He turned to see Leeteuk motioning him back to the door they entered the motel from. Everybody else had gone back except for him and Leeteuk. How long had Donghae been staring at the empty motel room? A minute? An hour? He turned, not looking back at the motel room. He wanted to run away. Wake up from this nightmare he was in.

When Donghae passed through the door, he was back inside school bus. Kyuhyun was seated across from him. Both of them faced each other, their legs stretched out across the aisle of the bus. The Kyuhyun on the bus was different than the one that was at the motel room. Although he was pale, he looked healthier. The scars on his face were gone and he didn’t look like he was going to break in half at any moment. Still, Kyuhyun looked tired and stared blankly at the floor.

Donghae was surprised that Sungmin was sitting in between Kyuhyun and the window. From what he had just seen, the two didn’t seem to have had the best relationship, but now he saw that Kyuhyun was holding onto Sungmin’s hand as if it were a life line.

The bus was dead silent as Leeteuk closed the doors and the white mist enshrouded the bus once again. No one on the bus was sure what to say. Even Heechul, whose nature was to be loud and demanding, remained silent. Instead, he just stared out the window, thinking back to his own life. Leeteuk started the bus, filling the silence with the soft sound of the engine running.

“Whenever you’re ready Kyuhyun,” Leeteuk said softly, sitting in the bus driver’s seat.

It was if Leeteuk had flipped a switch. Kyuhyun blinked and looked up at Donghae. Donghae shifted in his seat, slightly uncomfortable. He wondered what Kyuhyun was exactly supposed to say to him.

“I tried to stop,” Kyuhyun said, his voice threatening to break. “It started all back in high school.”

Kyuhyun paused, his eyes becoming unfocused. “I didn’t go out too much. I wasn’t really that popular and I preferred to play computer games instead of party. There were also some guys who bullied me a lot. One day though, they invited me to a party.” Kyuhyun stopped and shook his head.

“I didn’t want to say no to them. They were all really intimidating and I was tired of getting thrown in dumpsters or beat up. When we got there, everything was alright at first, but then they brought out some drugs; not marijuana but cocaine and ecstasy. I didn’t want to, but they started to threaten me. They said they’d kill me if I didn’t take the drugs” Kyuhyun shuddered, his eyes going wide. Sungmin squeezed his hand in an attempt to comfort him. After a moment, he continued.

“I was scared, so I got high on cocaine with them that night. That didn’t stop them from beating me up that night though. What’s ironic is that I didn’t care that much after I was high. The next day, when I came down from the high, the only thing I could think about was getting it back. It was the best feeling ever. It felt like I was flying. I tried to be careful though. I didn’t want to lose this new discovery completely. I was able to keep my addiction hidden from my parents until high school ended. After that though, things spiraled out of control.

I dropped out of college the middle of freshman year. I completely broke off from my parents at that point. I started living on the streets and doing odd jobs for money. I was almost dead when Sungmin found me. He became my drug dealer and gave me the stuff for a really cheap price. It wasn’t until I ended up in the hospital that I decided to try to stop. I overdosed and almost died. Sungmin had dropped me off in the emergency room. My mom came and visited me then…” Kyuhyun said, trailing off. He looked exhausted.

"She told me that my father had died a year ago. I hadn't kept contact with them and didn't know. She told me she was scared. She didn't want to lose her son after losing her husband. She said she was scared everyday that I was hurt... I didn't know how much it had hurt her... but the look on her face... I didn't think that anyone cared that much about me. I didn't know," Kyuhyun's voice broke on the last word. "I didn't think..."

"After that, I tried to stop. Sungmin refused to sell to me anyways, but that didn't stop me from relapsing from time to time. Stopping was a lot harder than I had thought it'd be. It made me physically sick. When I went to eat, my body would throw up the food. When I went to sleep, it would only last for a short time. Every day I craved it. Every second, it was the only thing I could think about. I even dreamed about it. Trying to quit didn't last long, maybe a couple months. After that, I went back to Sungmin and tried to get him to sell me more. When he refused I got mad. I was dying without the drugs and he didn't help me. I thought he cared."

Sungmin flinched besides Kyuhyun. A pained expression crossed his face. Kyuhyun turned around to look at Sungmin.

"Kyu, I didn't-" Sungmin said softly, breaking off. His eyes started to fill with tears.

"No, I get it now Min," Kyuhyun said gently, brushing Sungmin's cheek as his tears began to overflow. "It just took dying to realize it all," he said with a faint hint of a smile. He turned back to Donghae, looking ill.

"In the end, I gave into the drugs. I left Sungmin and the rest of my family. I took some of my mom's money to leave Seoul and a little extra to get some high quality drugs. When that money ran out, I started stealing and sleeping with people so I could afford the cocaine. I even hurt others to get what I wanted." Kyuhyun sighed deeply before talking agan. "I kept doing that for a few months until I finally overdosed again. This time around, there wasn't anyone to save me."

Kyuhyun sat back, leaning against Sungmin's side. He looked slightly better than before. Donghae didn't think he would faint at any moment now.

"What do you think Donghae? Do you think I deserve to burn in Hell? I don't think there's a place for me in Heaven to be honest. I hurt people, knowing fully what I was doing. I used them. I deserve to suffer," Kyuhyun said, whispering the last part sadly.

Donghae stared at Kyuhyun, not knowing what to think. He studied his face. He was younger than Donghae; twenty four maybe? He died too young, and it was all because someone forced him to take drugs in high school. He sighed, looking past Kyuhyun and out the window. The fog seemed endless. This isn't fair, he thought. He shook his head sadly. How many times had he heard that life wasn't fair? It doesn't make it any less sad though. Acknowledging that life was unfair didn't make anything hurt less, and the pain was overwhelming.

"Don't you dare pity me," Kyuhyun said, breaking Donghae away from his thoughts. Donghae looked at Kyuhyun confused.

"I can see it in your face. I can see it in all of your faces! Send me to hell!" Kyuhyun said, his voice rising. He was looking around the bus, eyes darting from face to face, finally stopping back at Donghae's. Tears began to form in his eyes. When he spoke again, his voice was soft. "I already know I'm damned. I knew it a long time ago. So send me to hell dammit."

The look Kyuhyun gave Donghae sent chills through his body. He looked mad, like something inside him had shattered; something that was never meant to be touched, let alone twisted and broken. Hell already seemed like it had reached him.

"Please?" he whispered softly.


	3. Sinking

Everyone sat shocked after Kyuhyun’s breakdown. Siwon watched as Donghae slowly turned back to the front of the bus and put his face in his hands. He couldn’t imagine what Donghae was feeling after what he had just seen and heard. He turned away from Donghae and leaned back into his seat, sighing.

The only noise in the bus came from Sungmin trying to comfort Kyuhyun. Siwon watched as Sungmin kissed the tears from Kyuhyun’s cheeks.

“I’m so sorry Minnie. I didn’t… I never…” Kyuhyun’s words were interrupted by sobs. “I never meant to hurt you. I should have stopped and listened to you. I should have tried harder. I’m sorry I was so weak. I’m so sorry I used you the way I did.”

“It’s alright Kyuhyun,” said Sungmin softly, hugging Kyuhyun protectively. His face was full of pain and sadness, but unlike before, he didn’t cry. “It’s not your entire fault. I let you use me. I was selfish for not helping you sooner. I was always scared that I’d lose you. In the end, I did anyways.”

Siwon turned to the window, feeling as though he was invading on something private between the two. He sighed, confused. Obviously, the two men loved each other. They loved each other in the way that a man and woman normally loved each other, not the brotherly way.

"If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads." - Leviticus 20:13

The bible verse ran through Siwon’s head. He knew it by heart. It rang through his mind every day of his life, eating him from the inside out…

“We’ve arrived at our next stop everyone!” Leeteuk’s voice said, causing everyone to look at him. He gave a comforting smile. In contrast to Leeteuk’s peaceful air, everyone on the bus shifted nervously, wondering who would be forced to tell their story next.

Everybody filed out of the bus. Sungmin never left Kyuhyun’s side as they got out. Donghae wearily looked around as he took in his new surroundings. They were in a large office with deep red walls. It was decorated beautifully, with a large mahogany desk in the center of the room. On the walls several paintings hung on the wall, surrounded with what Donghae suspected to be pure gold frames. Underneath a cross, in beautifully slanted script, a bible verse was painted in gold in the center of the wall behind the desk.

But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear. - Isaiah 59:2

Donghae stared at the verse, trying to make sense of why someone would decide to paint that verse of all verses on their office wall. However, his thoughts were interrupted by angry shouting and loud footsteps.

A man hastily walked through the door to the office with another following closely behind him. The man that was currently shouting was tall and muscular. He looked around Donghae’s age. The other man was slightly shorter than the other with wrinkles telling Donghae that he was much older. A father and son? He faintly recognized the younger of the two, but he struggled to put a name with the face.

“How could you?!” shouted the young man. The paintings and the cross rattled on the wall as the door he harshly slammed the door behind him.

“You’ve gone too far Siwon,” The man yelled back in a booming voice, “sleeping with that whore Heechul! You’ll ruin my whole image!”

Donghae gasped. He hadn’t expected Heechul’s name to be brought up in Siwon’s past. Was everyone on the bus connected somehow? He looked back at Heechul. Heechul was glaring at Siwon’s father. He looked as if he were trying to set him on fire with his eyes.

Siwon’s eyes sparked with rage. “Do NOT call Heechul a whore! I’m sorry that my sexual preferences will be the downfall of you career father!” Siwon said the last word with disgust. “I’m sorry it won’t be because people will find out you’ve been stealing the charity funds from the church or that you’ve been cheating on your wife!”

Siwon was interrupted by his father violently striking the desk with his fist. “You will not speak any of that! You know I’ve been kind enough to turn a blind eye to your disease!” Siwon’s dad snarled. “But I couldn’t anymore. Not since a member of my church caught you fucking a man!”

“You tried to kill me!” Siwon shouted. “You sent an assassin to kill me!”

Siwon’s father sat down at his desk and leaned back. “And they obviously failed. I’m getting a refund.”

"I can't believe you. I should have told everyone the crimes you committed a long time ago!" Siwon said, looking disgusted. “You’re not getting away with this anymore! I’ll tell everyone the crimes you’ve done and send you to jail!”

Siwon's father stood up and hit him square in the jaw, causing Siwon to fall over from the force. His father moved to stand over him, glaring angrily down at him. "Know your place boy. I thought I made it clear a long time ago you are never to speak of those things."

"You're a monster. Everyone should know what you are," Siwon spat, holding his jaw. His father smiled coldly.

"I'm a monster? Look at yourself Siwon! You're my son! You're no better than me! In fact, you're worse. At least the whores I bring home are women. You're the real monster, sleeping with men. To lay with a man like one lays with a woman is detestable."

A pained expression crossed Siwon's face as his father quoted the Bible. Siwon tried to get up but his father forced him back down with his foot, stepping on him.

"I always knew you'd be a time bomb. I should have gotten rid of you a long time ago. That idiot assassin was supposed to do his job and get rid of you today." Siwon's father drew out a large knife. "I shouldn't have to be dirtying my shoe with you right now. You should have been six feet under, but now I guess I have no choice. If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself."

Siwon’s father lunged at him with the knife. Siwon moved so the knife only grazed his side. With his father off balance, Siwon grabbed his leg and twisted it forcefully. Siwon managed to get up. He grabbed his father’s shoulder and shoved him harshly, causing him to fall.

Donghae flinched as he heard a sickening crunch as Siwon’s father’s head struck the sharp corner of the giant desk. He watched as the man crumpled to the floor, lifeless. Blood slicked the corner of the desk and began to slowly drip down the side.

Siwon looked down at his father in horror, realizing what he had just done. He knelt down to check his father’s pulse. When he found no pulse, he looked up, panicked.

Siwon slowly got to his feet and looked around, as if making sure no one had seen what he’d done. His eyes stopped to rest on the big wooden cross and the bible verse below it. After a moment, his eyes continued to scan the rest of the room. His eyes stopped and rested on Donghae for a second before he ran out of the room.

Donghae looked back at Siwon’s father’s body, lying limply on the ground in disgust. He felt bad for Siwon. His own father had tried to kill him, using his religion against him, telling him he was a monster. Donghae shook his head, wondering how people like Siwon’s father could be so cruel and cold hearted.

The office slowly faded to black and Donghae now found himself in a dimly lit room. The concrete floors replaced the rich wooden ones of the office and the walls were now white and bare. They were in a garage. Donghae turned from the empty white wall to see the muted yellow bus. The passengers were filing back into the bus. There was nothing to see now.

Donghae slowly went up the stairs, gripping the iron rail tightly. Instead of sitting across from Kyuhyun, Donghae found him facing a very shaken Siwon. Unlike Kyuhyun, Leeteuk didn’t have to tell him to start talking. Siwon started to talk before Donghae had even settled in his seat.

“I don't regret killing him. I never did. I tried to feel regretful but I never could," Siwon said in a tortured voice. "It's funny because I really think that was proof I truly was his son. We were both monsters. There was just no one to kill me like I had killed him..." Siwon trailed off, a look of pain flashed on his face.

Donghae watched Siwon, feeling sad for the man he saw now. He couldn’t imagine hating or being hated by his father. In contrast, Donghae had loved his father deeply and his death had left his distraught.

He remembered the way his father had laughed and how his eyes had crinkled at the corners. People had said Donghae's did the same and they were glad that trait would not be lost after his father had died from cancer. Donghae had found it ironic that the fake smile that he gave in return didn't possess that trait. When you fake a smile, the only muscle that move are your mouth muscles.

"I was tired of fighting, and I was tired of losing even more. I was just so tired and giving up didn't seem as bad as it did before." Siwon sighed deeply before continuing. "I don't exactly remember when I realized I was gay like some people do. All I knew was I liked other men and I was a man. No, that's not right, I wasn't just a man, I was the son of the preacher of Seoul's most well-known church," he said, his sad tone was edged with a bitter note.

"If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads. My father knew my preferences, but he turned a blind eye to them, like I turned a blind eye to his actions. It wasn't until someone had caught me with Heechul that he couldn't ignore it any longer," Siwon said, becoming angry. He took a moment to calm down until he continued.

“After I killed him that day, I was taken in by the police. They let me go free because I had killed him in self-defense. It didn’t stop there though. They looked farther into my father’s life and unearthed all the disgusting things that he had done. Things I had helped hide for so long…” Siwon said, disgust filling his voice.

“Everything fell apart and the church, along with my family’s reputation was destroyed. My mother killed herself after she found out about my father’s death and the scandal broke out.

After their funeral, I left Seoul. There was nothing there for me anymore except news reporters and enemies of my father. I moved to Seongnam and lived in a small apartment. I spent most of my days either at the bars or drinking alone at home.”

Siwon ran his hand through his hair. “I can’t remember a lot of my life after I moved. I was always drunk and sleeping with people. I was tired of fighting the fact I was a monster. I decided I should at least enjoy it. What was really so bad about giving in? I should have a long time ago. I was going to go to hell anyways. I murdered someone and didn’t regret it. I was sleeping with whores and constantly drunk. No, God couldn’t save me.”

Someone snorted loudly. Donghae turned to see Heechul standing next to him looking at Siwon with a look of angry disgust.

“You’re still going on about that? Isn’t the fact that we’re in this shitty bus enough proof that your God doesn’t care about any of us? If he did, then he’d judge us himself instead of letting this little brat determine our fate.”

Everybody except Heechul turned to look at Leeteuk who was humming quietly to himself at the front of the bus. If he had heard anything, he didn’t let anyone know.

“I can’t even believe you’re still holding on to your idiotic beliefs. Even after your father tried to kill you, you still honestly believe God gives a fuck about you?”

Siwon stood up, looking upset. “People are the ones with flaws, not God! He gave us free will and each of us chose to use it differently!”

“So he’s persecuting us for something he gave us? How kind of him,” Heechul spat. “What a good God you have. One that punishes you for something he gave you; one that creates you and abandons you. Tell me, why do you continue to follow someone like that? He sounds no better than us! He sounds like a fucking hypocrite if you ask me.”

A strange, sad expression crossed Siwon’s face. “You don’t get it Heechul. He loves us enough to let us be able to choose our own paths. He isn’t one to enslave us. It is our own rejection of him that takes us to hell.”

Heechul smirked. “And so you’ve rejected your precious God then?”

Siwon shook his head in frustration. “No. I’ll always believe in God. It’s just that I… I’m not allowed to want to go to heaven. I’m a monster.”

Although Siwon stood at almost six feet tall and was fairly muscular, he looked incredibly weak and vulnerable. His stood with his shoulders bent, as though he had been carrying a heavy load for a prolonged amount of time. He shook his head, giving a tired smile.

“But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear,” Siwon said, quoting the verse that had been on the office wall. “In this passage, Isaiah is talking of God’s ability to save, however, with lies, violence, and evil, God cannot help you. With the things I’ve done, I’m not worthy to be saved by God, no matter how much I wish I could be saved.”

Donghae watched as Siwon sat back down in his seat. The man looked tired and disgusted with himself. He turned to the foggy window, his back to Donghae and Heechul.

“We long for light but sink deeper into darkness,” he said, his voice full of sadness.


	4. Sheer. Dumb. Luck.

Disable Reader Mode A A A A

Heechul opened his mouth. He was about to tell Siwon the conversation wasn’t over until Kim Heechul said it was over when the bus violently jerked forward, as if someone had hit the brakes abruptly. Heechul was thrown forward from the sudden movement and collided with the bus seat in front of him. He swore, mostly out of surprise. He could hear someone snickering as he sat back down.

“Shut up Kangin!” Heechul said, angrily. It was a shame he was already dead so Heechul couldn’t kill him.

“We’re at our next stop everyone!” Leeteuk said cheerfully, a bright smile lit up his face. Leeteuk was also on Heechul’s wish list to kill.

All the passengers of the bus unwillingly got up and left the bus. As they walked down the stairs, they found themselves in a small, dirty room. Aside from a bed pushed up against one of the walls, the room was bare. Two figures were arguing in the middle of the poorly lit room.

Donghae couldn’t figure out exactly where they were. There were no windows to look out of and the door was closed. The room was even worse than the one they had been in during Kyuhyun’s stop. He strained to see the identities of the two figures.

“Get out!” snarled the smaller of the two. Donghae’s eyes widened when he recognized Heechul’s voice. Heechul moved forward, now standing directly under the ceiling light, he had an irritated look on his face. He looked almost exactly like the Heechul on the bus, with the exception that he wore a dirty bathrobe instead of jeans and a jacket.

“Come back when you can pay me or don’t come back at all,” He said coldly, turning away from the other. The bigger man grabbed Heechul’s wrist, spinning him back around.

“Come on Heechul,” the man said. “I know you like it you slut. I’ll pay you later.”

Donghae looked down at the floor as the man started shamelessly groping Heechul’s backside. He shifted uncomfortably, praying they wouldn’t be forced to watch anything more than what was happening now. He only looked back up when he heard a sharp slapping sound. The man was holding his cheek and Heechul had backed away from him.

“I like your money if that’s what you mean, disgusting bastard. However, seeing as you don’t have any, you’re worthless to me. Now get out before I really lose my temper.”

“You piece of shit,” the man said angrily. He grabbed Heechul roughly again. “You’ll do exactly what I tell you to do, money or no money. You’re a slave so start acting like one before I have to remind you!”

“Let go of me.” Heechul snarled as he violently scratched the man across the face, deep enough to draw blood. The man cried out in pain but only tightened his hold. Heechul smirked despite the man’s painful grip.

“Have fun explaining that one to your wife,” he said. “Maybe if you tell her the truth, that the male whore you could pay for gave it to you, you'll get lucky, she might fuck you out of pity."

The man slammed Heechul against the wall. “You dirty whore! I shouldn’t even be bothering with you,” he spat. His face was inches away from Heechul’s face.

“That’s not what you said the last time we fucked. Last time I remember you moaning my name, wanting more,” Heechul said mockingly. He leaned in, running his tongue over the bloody scratch makes on the man’s cheek. The man jerked away, a disgusted look on his face.

“How dare you speak like that to me. You’ll pay for your shitty attitude!” The man said, punching Heechul in the stomach, causing him to double over. He then moved to untie Heechul’s robe.

Heeechul looked up with a dark fury in his eyes. Still bent over, he swiftly reached into the pocket of his robe and pulled out a knife and sank it viciously into the man’s leg, causing him to let out a surprised, painful cry. When the man backed away, Heechul straightened, looking furious.

“Leave before I decide to put this knife in your throat.” Heechul said darkly. You were lucky it was just your leg. I’ll fucking kill you next time.” The man started to stagger forward, despite the blood pouring from his leg. Heechul calmly raised the knife, leveling it at the man’s throat. He smiled slightly, daring the man to come closer.

The man stopped and glared at Heechul. “You piece of shit. You’re really going to get it. Just you wait,” the man snarled as he backed out of the room, slamming the door as hard as he could as he left. The room was eerily quiet as Heechul stood alone in the room now.

Heechul, still smirking, turned towards the direction where Donghae and the other passengers were standing. Donghae’s eyes widened when Heechul looked straight at him and winked.

Before he could respond, the dingy room was swept away by darkness and Donghae was now standing in the garage once again. Donghae struggled to understand what he had just seen. Had Heechul really known Donghae was there? He had so many questions, and he doubted that Leeteuk would answer any of them. He sighed; feeling frustrated as he passed through the bus doors.

Unlike Kyuhyun and Siwon, Heechul didn’t appear shaken from revisiting his past. He sat back lazily, the way he had when Donghae had first met him on the bus.

“Did you enjoy the show just now Pretty Boy?” Heechul asked as Donghae sat down. He caught Donghae’s shocked expression and smiled slightly. “I’m not ashamed of what I was. It was my life and I don’t regret any of it.

I entered the sex slave business when I was around the age of twelve. I was kidnapped by some men on my way home from school. They stuck me in the trunk and drove away. When we got to this warehouse, they beat me up, they told me I was property of the highest bidder. My life belonged to someone else from that moment on. It wasn’t my own anymore. I was sold to a brothel and trained to pleasure others.

One time I tried to escape,” Heechul said, smiling slightly as he remembered the memory. He pulled up his shirt to reveal several long scars that ran across his stomach. It looked as if someone has slashed him with a knife over and over. His smile widened as he heard horrified gasps.

“It was lucky I was so good looking. They would have killed anyone uglier for trying to get free.” Heechul’s smile faded as he covered his stomach. “It didn’t take me long after that to learn the rules. Freedom didn’t exist anymore. I worked at that shitty brothel from then on. My whole life was sleeping with clients and trying to earn enough money to live. Most of my paycheck however went to my owner, the greedy bastard.

Even with him stealing most of money, I was able to live better than some of the other prostitutes in that brothel though. I also slowly gained privileges with the more money I brought in. I was still a slave, but life started to slowly get better. I started to accept what I was. It was my life and I wasn’t going to roll around in self-pity. It was okay to give in if that meant I could be happy. I made the decision that I was going to survive, no matter what.”

Heechul looked at Donghae fiercely. “If you’re going to send me to hell for the deeds I’ve done, then do it. That was my life and I don’t regret anything I’ve done. ” Heechul crossed his arms and gave Donghae a moody look. “I won't apologize for trying to survive."

Donghae stared back at Heechul, wondering what exactly he would have done in Heechul’s situation. Would he have been fierce and violent like Heechul, or would he have been broken under the harsh conditions? Was it really Heechul’s fault in the end that he had been chosen for a life of prostitution? No one had asked him what he had wanted. It wasn’t his choice. Slavery wasn't anyone's choice.

Donghae realized how easily their lives could have been reversed. It wasn't because Donghae had been born a better person, that he had been given a life of comfort and security. Donghae was a human, just like Heechul; a human with imperfections and scars. Neither of them was better than the other. Hierarchy didn’t exist. At the end of it all, it was luck. Sheer. Dumb. Luck.

“Do you wish it could have been different?” Donghae asked after a moment of silence. "Do you wish your life could have been different?"

Donghae could tell Heechul was caught off by the question. His fierce gaze clouded with confusion for a split second. He shook his head.

“Wishing is pointless, just like praying. In the end, it doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t make anything better or make you happier. All it does is make you think of all the things that your life could have been. It points out all the things it's not."

"But if you had a choice, to have been something else, would you have chosen that?" Donghae asked. Heechul frowned.

"No one would have picked my life. I wouldn’t have. I would have never taken that route home if I had known." Heechul gave a lifeless laugh. "It doesn't matter though now. You can't change the past. Things could have been different, but they weren’t. That was my life. Screwed up, painful, and horrible, but mine."

Heechul sighed deeply, a somber expression on his face. He smiled slightly at Donghae, who wore a miserable expression. For the first time Donghae had met Heechul, his smile held no trace of bitter mocking or contained anger. It was a small, quiet smile.

“Don’t look so sad Donghae, it ruins your pretty face.”


End file.
